If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
