On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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