the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
