Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
