life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
