I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
