I looked at my own cervix.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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