i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
