If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
