Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize