I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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