Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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