new low.... made out with someone while peeing
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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