I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
