who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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