I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
