i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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