Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
wow bdsm is so cute
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
