I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
