You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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