He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
