im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
