You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
