My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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