Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
