i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
