The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
