no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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