We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize