just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
