The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
