I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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