I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
