I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
