hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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