is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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