Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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