nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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