No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
