Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
