she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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