thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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