I think I won the penis lottery.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
