Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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