Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
