I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize