You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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