I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
