no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
