dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize