i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i love accidental penises.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
