your parents love me but you hate me
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
