Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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