my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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