one two three fourrrrnication!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
