Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
