Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
