I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
