I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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