The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
