Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
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