I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
